Accommodate, Ghost, or Get Uncomfortable

[00:00:00] Hey dear ones. How are you doing on this fine fine day? I love these episodes. This episode that I’m about to record because it’s really like many, many years in the making. This is a topic that I’ve been really exploring for some time, and I believe it is a true secret to cultivating deep and meaningful relationships.

[00:00:26] I. And it really gets down to the right way to communicate and approach a communication with those people you love. And I am lucky enough to have a crew from college. We call ourselves the bitches. I really need to write a book about us because you know, We are a special group of badass bitches, and I use that term as a term of endearment, and I know it’s not always used in that context.

[00:01:03] Some people actually find that word hurtful. So if that is you, I acknowledge that. I just want you to know when I went through my near death experience for some reason, As part of my healing, I was hypersensitive. And anything that I encountered that was somewhat hurtful, felt hurtful times a hundred. And when I came back from that, I found the term the bitches to be very hurtful.

[00:01:33] What? Why do we call ourselves that? And I think that there’s a darkness and a lightness to that word. And if you lean into the lightness of it, the light, it’s, Hey, we are a group of confident women who go after our dreams and we don’t let people hold us back or situations. And we’re a special group of women who we are the bitches.

[00:02:08] That term doesn’t. Hurt me anymore. It just makes me realize how lucky I am to have them in my life. I just saw them and we were talking about, we’re all 47 years old and we were talking about how we’re to the point in our lives where we don’t have time for people who don’t add value to our experience.

[00:02:35] And I think that is something that should be cultivated at a young age. Do the people you hang out with, do they add value to your experience or do they take value away? And if they do add value, then those are the relationships that want to be cultivated. And they need to be cultivated. And most relationships don’t just work on autopilot like we want them to do.

[00:03:08] We want them to just sort themselves. We don’t want relationships to be work, but sometimes they can be and they need to be. And that’s what we’re going to be unpacking in today’s very, very powerful episode. And before we get into it, I would love to share with you guys a listener review, and it comes from Reese Lawton and she says, I love the way Allison combines harder business skills with a softer spiritual side.

[00:03:43] She truly guides entrepreneurs to a soul filled business. Thank you so much. I appreciate that review so much, and if you feel called to also share what you receive from this podcast. I will read your beautiful words on the air and what we’re gonna be unpacking here about relationships. Also works for clients.

[00:04:08] So this works for any person, family, friends, clients, all those people who are in your inner and at sometimes your outer circle. And the question becomes, do we accommodate ghost or get uncomfortable? And that’s what we’ll be unpacking in today’s powerful episode. So why don’t we get right to it? In today’s episode, we explore the soul guided way to deepen your connections.

[00:04:38] How to know whether it’s time to accommodate ghost or get uncomfortable. And what to do when you fear having the difficult conversations that really need to happen. We’ll end on an invitation that will have you cultivating a close circle of soul connections that love, support, and enrich your life. So please stay with me until the end.

[00:05:06] Welcome to Soul Guide Radio, a podcast for soul guided leaders, influencers, and entrepreneurs. Here to bring about change on a massive level. We’ll explore how you can activate your big soul mission. Amplify your spiritual gifts. And clear the energy blocks weighing you down so you can gain unstoppable momentum in life and business.

[00:05:31] I’m Allison Scammel, your host and soul guide.

[00:05:40] Hello Soul Guide Circle That is the name of this global community of soul guided leaders, influencers, and entrepreneurs. In the Soul Guide Circle, we are pursuing our soul guided dreams. While lifting up humanity, find a link to join our closed Facebook [email protected] or in the show notes.

[00:06:01] Alright, today we are talking about deepening our connections. I. And the primary way we deepen our connections is through proper communications. You know, I grew up in the Midwest, in the United States, and there’s a culture here of avoiding all difficult conversations. It astounds me. There can be a 100,000 pound elephant in the room, and if that elephant.

[00:06:34] Is in an uncomfortable conversation. You should not talk about it. You should not acknowledge it, and you must pretend it’s just not there. The elephant trunk can be slapping you in the face and you still will not acknowledge its presence. That is the culture here, and I think that’s the culture in a lot of places because it’s uncomfortable to have a conversation about a sensitive topic.

[00:07:04] A conversation, you know, the other person has strong emotions about, and so we think, we tell ourselves it’s easy to avoid it. And even if you are in relationship to someone where you guys are just an energetic match and you’re always in sync, you’re always in flow. It’s highly likely at some point in your experience with this person.

[00:07:32] That you’ll reach a point where you are not in full agreement about something and that something will likely be important to you and important to them. So when those points arrive on your path, there’s three ways you can go. You really have three choices. You can accommodate the person. Which I like to call people pleasing.

[00:08:01] So if you want one thing and they want another, you can people please in order to keep them happy, and that will resolve the uncomfortable conversation that needs to be had. Okay? And sometimes that’s actually the right way to go. Okay, and I’m gonna be telling you when those times are. The second option, which is the option that’s often chosen in the part of the world where I grow up, is I’m calling it to ghost.

[00:08:33] And that means that you can, you know, you can ghost the person when you decide that this person is no longer adding value to your experience. Right? But often you. You can, you know, ghost the uncomfortable conversation. Okay. So you have a friend, you have a disagreement, and you can. Ghost the topic, just not talk about it.

[00:09:00] So it’s there. It’s making you uncomfortable, it’s making them uncomfortable, but you’re just not having the conversation. That’s the second choice that a lot of people opt for, and I have certainly done it through the years. And then the third choice is to get uncomfortable. Have the uncomfortable conversation, you know, face that.

[00:09:23] A big elephant that’s sitting in the room, put the elephant on the table and say, Hey, we’re talking about this elephant and its trunk. So there are actual times to choose all free, and I’m going to be exploring when it’s time to accommodate, when it’s time to ghost, and when it’s time to get uncomfortable.

[00:09:44] Okay, so we first wanna think about like who really is in our inner circle. Somebody did a study once. These are about the numbers where they concluded that the average person. Is only really capable of having close relationships with about 20 people, and they’re only really capable of being in relationship at all with about 180, something like that.

[00:10:11] So you could have like 20 close people in your inner circle and about 180 acquaintances, and that’s the limit of what we have the capacity to really engage in any sort of meaningful relationship. Beyond those numbers, it gets superficial. Of course, most of us have hundreds and thousands of connections on social media, but you can’t be in deep relation or connection to all of those people.

[00:10:40] It’s impossible. You just don’t have the capacity. So it’s really important to think about who is my Inner 20, who is in my inner circle. Those are really the relationships that you do want to spend the time and effort to cultivate. And those Inner 20 are really the ones that when you reach that point in the road where you are in a disagreement or you’re not seeing eye to eye, that is when you want to really think about getting uncomfortable.

[00:11:10] Okay, let’s start with accommodate, which also means people pleasing. We’ve all been there to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation. We give in, we give the other person what they want, we please them so that the peace can be preserved. There’s no tension in the relationship, and if you look at your human design type and chart, And you have an open or undefined emotional solar plexus, you will tend to rely on people pleasing or accommodation a little bit more because we feel I have openness here and we feel the feels a bit more strongly.

[00:11:55] We feel emotions amped up. And so to avoid those amped up uncomfortable emotions, we people please. So the first step here is really to know when you’re going into people pleasing or accommodating energy. And this is what, when you wanna sink into the body and just notice how it feels, sometimes situations are going to resolve themselves.

[00:12:26] They’re not that big of a deal, although in the moment our brain is making it to be a big deal and sometimes going into a bit of accommodation until you get on the other side, and it works itself out is the right strategy and it’s a temporary situation. You’re not. Taking down important boundaries that need to be in place, but you’re just helping to get over a little bit of a hump and to get to the other side.

[00:12:52] But your higher self will guide you to that, and your physical body will tell you. If you are accommodating someone and it feels really bad and you feel tight and constricted in the body, you have likely taken down a boundary that really needs to be up. And you’re pleasing in a way that is not in service to you, all right?

[00:13:17] And when it’s not in service to you, it’s also not going to be in service for the person you are pleasing. So you just wanna sink into the body when it feels bad, and ask your higher self, is there an important boundary that I’ve taken down that needs to be up? And if it’s feeling bad in your body, you’re likely gonna get a yes to that question.

[00:13:40] And then the second question is, what is that boundary? And when you get the answer from your higher self that there’s a boundary that needs to be in place, it is highly likely, then you need to move into getting uncomfortable and having the under uncomfortable conversation with your loved one, that you have a boundary that needs to be honored and respected.

[00:14:11] And if they aren’t able to honor and respect your boundary, then you have to decide what’s next. You have to decide, can I live with this person part of my inner circle when they are not respecting boundaries that are important to my livelihood, that is important to my energy, my soul? If they cannot respect that, then what?

[00:14:38] And that’s when it gets even more uncomfortable. And you might have to decide, do I keep this person in my inner circle? Do I take a break from this person? Do I tell this person that? Until you can respect this boundary, I can’t be in relationship with you anymore when you have these deep and difficult conversations and okay, this would be.

[00:15:05] When they’re not respecting a very important boundary for you, all right? That you would actually say that they can’t be in your inner circle until they respect that boundary. When you. Communicate to that, to them. You’re not just communicating that to the loved, to your loved one, you’re communicating that to yourself.

[00:15:29] You know, like, I’m serious about my boundaries. That mean a lot to me. You’re communicating that to the universe, to the quantum field, and what the universe will start to bring back to you are people, situations, circumstances that. Respect those boundaries that you are communicating that you need on a soul level.

[00:15:58] So having the uncomfortable conversation with one person can be like having an uncomfortable conversation with a hundred people, a thousand people. Because you are putting the marker out there that there are certain boundaries, healthy boundaries that I have in place because that’s what I need on a soul level to be a happy, healthy, thriving person.

[00:16:29] To give you an example of this, I had a mentor who I really. To this day, love and admire and respect and our relationship transitioned, and this can be a time where you may be confronted with the do I accommodate ghost or get uncomfortable when the nature of your relationships. Transition or shift. So we were transitioning from me being the mentee to me being more of a peer.

[00:17:01] And that can sometimes feel a little awkward for both parties as my business was growing and getting on the same level as theirs. I, the, the nature of the relationship changed. So I had invited this person to be a guest instructor in one of my programs and a, you know, a standard industry practice is for guest instructing.

[00:17:28] A lot of people don’t charge a. I don’t charge typically, for example, to be an a guest instructor in your group. And in exchange for my time and efforts, I get exposure to a very warm audience of people who invest in personal growth and spirituality. So it’s a win-win for both me and for the other person.

[00:17:52] So my mentor turned peer said to me, Well, I don’t normally do this. What do you offer? For compensation and I explained, well, you’ll be in front of a group of people who you know would be eager to learn more about you and eventually maybe invest in one of your coaching programs. And that didn’t go over well.

[00:18:21] They were sort of put off by that. And then I was sort of put off that they were put off. And to be honest, like looking back, it’s kind of a. It was a strange situation in our relationship where it was a very subtle situation, but it felt more powerful because I believe our reli relationship was really upleveling and we were being called to get uncomfortable in order for the relationship to really uplevel.

[00:18:53] So we were just two peers, you know, connected to each other at the next level. And the conversation got super uncomfortable and I ended up, I remember at a certain point I was in tears because I think that we both felt like the other person didn’t, didn’t see. I, I don’t even know. It’s, it’s, looking back, it’s a little bit strange because.

[00:19:23] It wasn’t that hurtful of a topic, but at the time it felt super hurtful. And this is what you can encounter, and this is why this is a good example of a relationship upleveling. It can get weirdly uncomfortable and you don’t understand why it feels so uncomfortable, because it’s really bigger than the issue, right?

[00:19:45] And so this is what we were encountering, and it would’ve been in that situation very. Easy to ghost, to just say, Hey, we are not getting each other, we’re not getting each other’s perspective. Let’s go our separate ways. And I think a lot of us who work in the service-based industry, you know, we have clients in connections all over the world now.

[00:20:11] So how easy is it to ghost someone that you know many time zones away because they don’t live down the street from you? There’s someone that you know virtually, and that can be an extremely easy thing to do, but sometimes that’s not the right answer to ghost the person or the situation. And I should just say to ghost, I really mean to avoid or to just stop talking to and not confront.

[00:20:41] That’s really what I mean by ghost. And so a big part of me wanted to ghost this. Mentor turned peer, but then I was like, you know what? I am going to get uncomfortable. My higher self said It’s time to get uncomfortable. So I reached back out to the person and said, I wanna have a conversation. And we got back on the phone and we had a really uncomfortable conversation about how I was going from mentee to peer and.

[00:21:18] It was for us. It was for a couple minutes uncomfortable, but then I could feel when we got to the other side of the discomfort and I could actually feel when our relationship upleveled. And it got through at like an energetic knot, if you will, because this person and I were meant to have an up-leveled relationship.

[00:21:43] This person was meant to remain in my core circle. This was the growth of the relationship. There’s always natural discomfort associated with growth. And I knew it wasn’t time to ghost the relationship or the situation because the idea of ghosting, it felt bad. Again, you get in your body, you ask the question, is it time to ghost?

[00:22:13] If you get, no, it is highly likely, my dear ones, it’s time to get uncomfortable. And when you are willing to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone you love, someone who means a lot to you, and if that person is really your person and is meant to grow with you and stay part of your inner circle, having those deeply true from the heart.

[00:22:44] Uncomfortable conversations will catapult the quality of your relationship, the deepness of your connection, the meaningfulness that you guys mean to one another. And very few things in life are as precious as those relationships that are in your inner circle when they grow to the next level of the potential of the relationship.

[00:23:15] It is powerful and profound, and I really think it is one of those like deathbed moments when you look back, what were the things in life that meant the most to you? It’s never your house. It’s never how much money you made. It’s the people, the relationships, and it’s not the 5,000 social followers. It’s your inner circle, your soul circle.

[00:23:43] The inner 20, and maybe it’s the outer, you know, 120. Earlier in the episode I said I threw out the number 180 I. That’s not correct. I’m now remembering we can, according to this study, and this sort of jives, for me anyway, we can have a inner circle of about 20 and an outer circle of about a hundred. So it’s a total of 120 people.

[00:24:10] With whom at any given point in our lifetimes, we can have meaningful connections to. And of course those one 20 can shift and morph and come and go, but we can’t really go beyond that number. I. And it’s those relationships, particularly the inner 20, but also the outer relationships that we really wanna think about.

[00:24:34] When we reach a touch point where the relationship starts to feel stressed or strained, or there’s a decision or a disagreement, do we accommodate, do we ghost or do we get uncomfortable sink into the body? Ask your higher self. What is the right choice? And when you receive, get uncomfortable, it’s going to be hard.

[00:25:02] It is. Highly likely you will not wanna have that conversation. ’cause it’s tough. You’re talking about something painful to someone you love. That is hard. That is so hard you guys. It can be. So how do we do it? What is the right way to have the uncomfortable conversation when that is what your higher self is saying is required for the relationship to grow to the next level.

[00:25:33] And here’s how you do it. Do the healing before the conversation, anything that’s ready to be cleared. So bring up all the worst case scenarios. That is what we typically think about. Like it could go horribly wrong. I could really upset them. They could not understand me. I could lose this relationship.

[00:25:54] They could leave me. They won’t understand. They’ll get angry. They won’t. I wanna hear what I have to say. Bring all of that up and feel the feels. Do a pre-conversation release so when you get to the conversation, you can be as clear as possible, but you will likely still have a lot of emotions when you have the conversation.

[00:26:23] Then ask your higher self for the right timing. There’s absolutely a right time to have conversations. If it’s with your partner, you know, you know when they are in a better head space to have a conversation when they’re not, when you’re in the middle of an argument, that is probably not the time to then have the uncomfortable conversation when emotions are already high.

[00:26:50] But you know, if it comes out in the heat of the moment it comes out, and that’s okay. But when you have the opportunity to give it some thought and reflection about how I want to have this uncomfortable conversation, do the pre-hearing and then ask your higher self for the timing. Well, first thing in the morning after you drop off the kids from school, but before you start your work day, mention it.

[00:27:16] And then you wanna visualize what you want the ideal outcome to look like. You know, imagine you communicate yourself, you communicate the boundaries that you need. Whatever it is, they respond. Imagine that they respond exactly as you wish them to, and just really imagine an ideal outcome. Now not to get attached to that ideal outcome because maybe it won’t happen like that, but what that does is get you in the energy of this could go, well, this could go right, because I think one of the primary reasons we all avoid uncomfortable conversations is because we have the thought it could go wrong.

[00:28:00] It could go horribly wrong. We could say the wrong thing. The wrong thing could happen. But what if it went right? It could go right. Just like the example of my former mentor and I, it went so right. It was so uncomfortable for a moment, and then it went so right. And our relationship will be forever at a higher level because of that discomfort.

[00:28:23] So imagine that it goes right, and it’s also a good idea to rehearse. It might feel silly, but if, if there’s something really uncomfortable, you wanna say, you know, maybe you’re telling someone your sexual orientation for the first time, right? Practice what you want to say. Maybe somebody said something that really hurt you and you wanna find the right way to tell them You hurt me.

[00:28:53] Practice how you wanna say, go to the part that’s most painful or most sensitive, or most difficult. How are you going to say that? Practice it because the more calm and confident you can get for the uncomfortable conversation, the better it will be received by the other party. They will feel your calm, they will feel your confidence, and that will invite them to be on board with what it is you’re offering them.

[00:29:26] And then lastly, it really is just do it. Just rip the bandaid off. If you’re feeling a lot of hesitation, like you keep trying to have the uncomfortable conversation, but it doesn’t come out, do a little bit more healing. What is the limiting thought that’s telling you it’s not safe? It’s not the right time.

[00:29:48] Check back in with the higher self. Should I really be doing this? Is this really the conversation you’re calling me towards? If you get a yes, then you really just wanna rip that bandaid off. Just do it. Just say it, and if it really is a soul connection, if that person is really meant to add value to your experience, to your life, if it’s someone who’s meant to stay part of your inner or outer circle and you’re meant to grow to the next level together, then you will be rewarded big time for having the courage to get uncomfortable.

[00:30:30] So my invitation for you this week is to reflect, start with, I mean, create. Make a list if it feels good. Who is in my inner 20? Who are the 20 people that are in my inner circle? If I was gonna die tomorrow and I can only invite 20 people to my funeral, who would they be? Okay. Or if I was getting married tomorrow or doing a vow renewal ceremony tomorrow and I wanted to have an event and only invite 20 people, if you wanna take like a not such a morbid twist on it, who would the 20 people be that I would most want at a significant life event?

[00:31:14] There you go. Who are those 20 people? And as you scan through the 20 people, And hey, maybe you only come up with four or five. So basically, who are the people up to 20? Don’t go over 20. Maybe you only have one or two people. That’s okay. So make your list of your inner circle and then just ask the question, do any of these relationships, is there any conversation that needs to be had?

[00:31:45] Where I’m being called to get a little uncomfortable because the relationship is trying to grow. You can also check in the on the other two questions, is there anyone here I’m accommodating in a way that’s not serving me anymore, and is there any person or situation that I’m ghosting or have been ghosting that’s actually ready to be talked about?

[00:32:14] And if you do this little list check-in. From time to time, you will find your relationships deepening in just beautiful and exciting and enriching ways. And if you want to expand your circle of Soul connections, invite that in. If you only have five people on the list and you want 15, remember you don’t have to go up to 20.

[00:32:44] You can just, I’m just suggesting don’t go over 20, right? So maybe you have five people on your list and you wanna go up to 15. Invite that in. Ah, set the intention to invite in more soul connections into your experience and see what happens. All right, my dear ones. That’s all I have for this week and this very powerful episode of Soul Guide Radio, and I hope it serves you on your path.

[00:33:11] And as always, until next time, may your soul guide the way. Are you ready to deepen your connection to your intuitive gifts? Then it’s time for 10 high five minutes. The ultimate. Daily mindfulness practice for soul guided leaders and entrepreneurs. In only 10 minutes per day, you’ll keep your energy high vibe and aligned to your highest dreams while transforming your daily practice into a powerful tool to manifest big wealth and abundance.

[00:33:44] Get free access now on my website, allysonscammell.com or in the show notes.

Timestamps:

00:01  Intro & listener review

06:03  Elephant in the room

07:45  Accommodate, ghost, or get uncomfortable

09:45  Your inner circle

11:11  Accommodating

16:29  Mentor story

19:47  Ghosting v. upleveling

23:00  Social circles

24:25  Getting uncomfortable & healing

30:30  Invitation & conclusion