This Week’s Challenge: Come up with three healthy boundaries to put up for yourself and your business.
She Grows with Allyson Scammell
Ep #34: How People Pleasing Blocks Business Growth”
Allyson Scammell: Hey, Hey, this is Allyson Scammell. And today we’re talking about the important topic of people pleasing. A client recently asked me if I’ve done a podcast episode on people pleasing. And I said, no, I haven’t. And it’s such an important topic for entrepreneurs. So in today’s episode, I’ll be sharing the four ways people pleasing prevents your business from growing how to stop the pattern of people pleasing and what to do instead.
[00:00:33] Wow. Lots of alliteration there. I end with a challenge that will get you out of people pleasing energy and into putting up healthy boundaries, so your business can really soar. So stay with me until the end. Welcome to She Grows, a podcast for soul guided women entrepreneurs, ready to grow their income impact and inspiration each week.
[00:01:01] We’re going to explore how to align to the soul of your business and grow it from there. I’m your host Allyson Scammell, let’s get growing.
[00:01:17] Hey, there She Grows Nation. That is the name of this sisterhood of soul guided entrepreneurs at she grows nation your heart as CEO. And you’re getting fully booked with ideal clients using your unique genius, intuitive voice and spirit guides. Did you know that Merriam Webster actually has a dictionary definition of a people pleaser.
[00:01:41] They define it as a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. I’d say that’s a pretty good definition. And I’d say there’s a little bit of a people pleaser in all of us. And there’s a good reason why we get into people pleasing. For many of us, it started at childhood.
[00:02:10] If we did what our parents or teachers told us to do, if we colored inside the lines and follow the rules, we were good girls or good boys. If we didn’t, we were bad girls, bad boys. So we started pleasing to maintain that good girl label. I don’t fault my mother for it because I find myself saying it to my own.
[00:02:34] Three-year-old. It’s actually the rules of society to fit in. We have to behave like good girls. And that means being pleasing for the group that we’re part of. And you might be thinking, well, that’s not all bad. It’s good to fit in the group. It’s good to be a good participant in the group, but going back to the dictionaries, nice little definition.
[00:03:00] It’s. A problem when we have an emotional need to please others. And it’s a real problem when that comes at our own expense. And I’m going to explore with you four specific ways people pleasing can actually stunt the growth of your business. So let’s get into it. The first way people pleasing stops your business growth is that people pleasing gets in the way of your truth.
[00:03:34] Your truth is edgy. It’s really not for polite society. Maybe part of your truth is finding that new way of doing something or seeing a situation or showing up. And that new way goes against the old ways. People who like the familiarity or are benefiting from the old ways aren’t going to like your new way.
[00:04:00] So, if you want to people, please, that person, you are not going to offer that new way, that new idea. Your truth is absolutely not for everyone. Your truth is for your ideal audience. They want that edgy. They want that new, that different. They want your personality, they want your take on it, whatever it is, you’re offering, whatever it is you’re selling, your ideal audience wants what’s authentically.
[00:04:29] You. They don’t want to be pleased. They don’t want you to conform your thoughts or the way you show up to please them and make it more palatable for them. They want you in your truest form. And there’s another way to look at this. Sometimes we hold back our truth because we’re afraid of how others will perceive us and that fear.
[00:04:57] Of how others will perceive us will trigger us to try to control how others perceive us and in the attempts to control, we soften what we want to say. We make it more palatable for everyone. We make it more pleasing. And these attempts to be pleasing to others gives us the false illusion that we are actually controlling how they perceive us as if that is something we actually can control when the reality is we can’t control it at all.
[00:05:38] We can’t ever, ever control how people perceive us. It is a losing battle, even when it comes to your ideal audience. You can never control how they see you. The only thing that you can ever do is show up as the truest and most authentic version of yourself. There are two powerful questions you can ask to get out of people pleasing and into authenticity.
[00:06:08] First stop asking, how can I please my audience and start asking, how can I be in service to them? Because let’s face it. Sometimes you’ll have a tough love message that your audience won’t want to hear your clients won’t want to hear, but it’s one they need to hear. And eventually they’ll come to recognize this and be grateful to you for having the guts to say it.
[00:06:37] Second, if you ever find yourself trying to control how your audience perceives you. Go ahead and just cut that out and instead start asking, how can I show up as my truest, most authentic self. This question is deep and it’s a journey. So you can also look at it as you can also ask it. As, how can I shift into greater alignment to my truth?
[00:07:11] The second way people pleasing is blocking your business growth. Is it prevents you from showing up as your best self for your clients? And let me tell you what I mean by that anyone who’s in the service based industry. I think. Has a story of when they first got started of how they would do cheetah flips for their clients.
[00:07:38] And the underlying belief was always some form of, I have to do this for my client to please them, to keep them, to keep them happy. I remember one of my first clients, I would actually drive to the Metro stop. To pick her up because I felt bad that she would have to walk about a mile from the Metro stop to my house because she didn’t have a car and I didn’t want her to have to take the bus.
[00:08:10] So it actually drive there to pick her up. I would bring her to my house. We would have our session that was supposed to be an hour, but she really liked to get into it and an hour would go by and she would still be talking and then two hours and then three hours. And before you know it, I spent an entire afternoon with her giving her a three hour session instead of a one hour session.
[00:08:37] And then I would drive her back to the Metro stop. That was all entirely my fault because I was trying to please her. And the whole time I was thinking, why am I driving this person to, and from the Metro? And why am I staying with her in a session for three hours? this doesn’t feel good to me, but I feared.
[00:09:02] Saying, Hey, we’ve been at this for 55 minutes. We’ve got about five minutes left in our session. Let’s start wrapping up. And I also feared saying, this is my address. It’s about a mile walk from the Metro, or you can take a bus. Cause I thought she wouldn’t like it. And because I feared doing this, I was not showing up as my best for her.
[00:09:29] Yeah, it was sacrificing and maybe on the outside, it looked nice that I was giving her a ride. I was giving her three hours instead of one, but inside I was frustrated and that frustration blocked me from showing up at my very best for her. So I actually apologized to her. I know that she still listens to this podcast, so she might know who she is.
[00:09:52] So I’m sorry for not showing up as my best for you. If you’re listening to this. But this is it. When we want to please our clients, it usually comes from some sort of fear, fear. They won’t like it. Fear they won’t hire us fear. They won’t give us referrals. And that fear blocks you. It blocks your greatness.
[00:10:16] When you put up healthy boundaries with your clients, and this is one thing I’ve seen, Oh gosh, have I learned this? When you communicate on your first session the first time, like let’s say you’re working with a client and you’re about to embark on a six month journey together. If you communicate on the very first session, Hey, look, here are my boundaries.
[00:10:39] You don’t have to call them boundaries, but you can say, here are the things that are important to me. I don’t allow last minute changes and appointments. I don’t respond to emails on the weekends. I can’t take appointments after, you know, 5:00 PM my time. when you communicate that on day one, they’re like, yeah, of course.
[00:11:02] Sure. Beautiful. It makes it so much easier. If you’re responding to client emails on nights and weekends, and don’t like it, they’re not going to know that they’re going to see that you responded to an email on a Saturday and say to themselves, Oh great. You know, she’s around to respond to my emails.
[00:11:21] That’s wonderful. And so the client will keep emailing, emailing you on Saturdays. And she will not know that it’s actually a time you like to be off your phones are off technology or unplugged. I recently noticed something in my three year old that demonstrates this point that I found absolutely fascinating.
[00:11:40] So for many, many months, my husband and I shared a car and it was the car that. Our daughter Freya rode around in and we let her have snacks in the car. So, you know, lots of crumbs, lots of, you know, smudges and, stains and all sorts of lovely things around the area where she sits in the backseat. So then we end up getting a second car that my husband drives and he immediately gives Freya the rules.
[00:12:08] There’s no food in Papa’s car, no food. She associates my car with getting snacks. So anytime we are about to hit the road to go anywhere, she starts saying snacks, snacks, snacks. But when we go in Papa’s car, she doesn’t say a word. Because from day one, she was very, very clear about the boundaries of that car and the boundaries and the rules of that car.
[00:12:39] Our Papa doesn’t allow snacks in his car and she never asks for snacks in his car. And this is a girl who’s kind of obsessed with snacks. Fascinating. And I realized. Our relationships with our clients are no different setting the rules on day one, clearly kindly, respectfully, and everyone just falls in line.
[00:13:09] You have to teach your clients how you like to be treated, and you do that by putting up healthy boundaries. First, you have to decide what your boundaries are. And you have to communicate those to your client. And I recommend at the start of the journey against so much easier, but if you’re on the journey and you’re halfway through and realize that you need to put a boundary up, then communicate that to your client.
[00:13:40] You’re not people pleasing. You’re not sacrificing yourself. You’re just saying, this is what I need to serve you best. Let me say that again, this is what I need to serve you best. And your clients are going to eat that up. And the more you do this, the easier it’s going to get, because you’re going to see just how much easier it is.
[00:14:07] Just how much better you show up. Just a much happier your clients are. When you’re not pleasing and you’re putting up healthy boundaries and enabling yourself to show up at your very best third people, pleasing blocks business growth, because it keeps you from time meant just for you. Your business actually needs it doesn’t want, but it really needs you to take care of yourself and to have time carved out of your day, every day or several days a week.
[00:14:49] That’s devoted to your self care, your exercise, your meditation, your dance class, your singing, your having coffee with girlfriends, whatever the things that you do, and you need to energize your tank to, create space in your energy to Iraq, to allow new creative ideas to arrive. Your business needs you having this time, carving out this time, that is just for you and the things that light you up that are outside of your business that are just for you and people pleasing energy.
[00:15:34] We’ll say. You can’t stop working at 4:00 PM. You need to stay working until five because your clients need you because you have to put out more Facebook content because you have to respond to more emails because you have to do that Facebook live because why do you need to do all that people? Pleaser energy would say I have to keep my audience happy.
[00:16:01] I have to keep my business happy. So I have to slave away for the entire chunk of time I have for myself, especially if you’re a mom and you have hours during the day when you don’t have your children under your care. And during those hours of non child time, the people pleaser would say, I have to dedicate all of that time to my business.
[00:16:27] I have to earn money. I have to bring in clients. I have to keep my current clients happy. My current audience happy. So my butt needs to stay in the chair in front of the computer for the whole time. Instead of pushing back at 4:00 PM instead of 5:00 PM to go for a long stroll in nature to go meditate, to go play around with Oracle cards, to meet a friend for coffee.
[00:17:00] And as I said, your business needs you reading Oracle cards, having coffee, going to dance class, it needs you having fun and play ying and nurturing and caring for yourself because the entrepreneurial game, my friends is not a sprint. My God, it is not a sprint and you will burn out. If you keep sprinting, it will happen.
[00:17:34] You will hit that wall. People pleasing everyone else, except for yourself. So self care has got to, eventually you can go for a while. I know because I have sacrificing yourself to grow your business, but eventually you will hit that wall. And when you do it’s time to say, I’m not going to people please anymore.
[00:18:08] And. I am going to show up for myself too and show up for my own needs. And when I do that, I know it’s actually going to make my business grow more.
[00:18:23] Alright. The fourth way people pleasing is blocking your business growth is because it’s making you do everything all on your own. So people pleasing energy will say, I have to do it all myself. I don’t want to bother others. I don’t want to ask for help because I just don’t want to disturb them. And so I’ll do everything on my own.
[00:18:58] And when you do everything on your own, you get into all the things we just talked about. So in your household, if you are a mom and even if you’re not, I suspect that there is a lot of pressure on you and there’s a lot of expectation that you will care for the children. Do the groceries, do the cleaning, cook the dinner, do the laundry and all of these household responsibilities.
[00:19:31] Without any support or anyone to help you is robbing you time and bandwidth for your business. So this is the time to stop people, pleasing your family and stop saying, I don’t want to rock the boat of the household. I don’t want to disturb the piece. So I’m just going to do everything myself. And if, and when there is leftover bandwidth, that leftover will be devoted to me and my business.
[00:20:04] And here we want to start a new pattern and again, it gets to communicating your boundaries, your healthy boundaries. And that can look like, Hey, family attention, gather around. I’m only gonna cook three meals a week, and if you want hot meal, then here are alternatives. You cook it. You whatever, buy it at a restaurant, whatever your boundaries are, you get to decide or Hey family, listen up.
[00:20:40] I. I’m going to start needing help and assistance with the laundry. Someone’s going to wash. Someone’s going to dry. Someone’s gonna fold get the people who live under your roof, helping you, helping you and supporting you with all the household responsibilities. So you have the energy and bandwidth. You need to run a thriving and successful business.
[00:21:08] If you live alone, don’t have kids, don’t have this issue of family responsibility, taking more bandwidth than you’d like it to then think about other ways. And this actually is for everyone. Think about ways that you can get more support for your business. I know that it’s hard sometimes to invest in our business.
[00:21:32] If it’s not bringing in. A certain amount of income, or we feel that we’re not making enough in order to invest in support, but there are so many ways to get inexpensive support. There’s fiverr.com. You can find all sorts of support, really good support on Fiverr for. As low as $5 an hour, you know, virtual assistants are amazing.
[00:21:58] And yeah, sometimes it takes a little bit of time to find the right one and to train them up. But when you do it is a total game changer. So be looking for ways that you can get support, whether it be you invest in it, you barter services, you ask a friend, so you’re not doing it all alone. And you’re not in that people pleasing energy of, I better not ask anyone else to support me because I might bother them or I might rock the boat.
[00:22:30] And instead you’re getting into that healthy boundaries. This is what I need in order to survive and thrive as a business owner. And when you do that, when you start putting up the healthy boundaries that communicate your truth, your authenticity, exactly what you need to show up as your very best self, how you can help others and how you can’t, then things will really start to change for you and your business will.
[00:23:03] Thank you. Over and over again for having the courage to do this, to have these difficult, to have these difficult conversations and explore and look within and explore deep within yourself about what’s really going on and what you really want to be sharing with your audience. So dear friends, my challenge for you is this.
[00:23:31] I want you to get out a piece of paper. And a pen. And I want you to come up with three healthy boundaries that you are going to put up for yourself and your business boundary. Number one, I will no longer work past 5:00 PM in the evening. For example, boundary number two, I will no longer. Do all the grocery shopping for my household boundary, number three, I will no longer try to control how people perceive me.
[00:24:10] Come up with three, at least three. You can come up with more healthy boundaries that you’re gonna start upholding to day. And when you are clear and true about your boundaries and you communicate them and you say, this is it, you will be amazed at how everyone in your circle will reflect that boundary back to you.
[00:24:36] They are a mirror image of you. You are teaching them how you want to be treated, and you will be amazed with how people respond to you in your truth, doing what’s best for you and your business. And again, the beautiful result of all of this work. We’ll be aligned, easeful, business growth, more clients, larger audience, more income.
[00:25:11] And when you bring in that more income, guess what it gives you the ability to hire more help. So you can be even firmer with your boundaries. How cool is that if you are digging on this episode, go ahead and hit subscribe wherever it is you listen. If you’ve been thinking about leaving a review for a while, and you’re not sure if it makes a difference, I just want to say first, wherever it is, you’re listening.
[00:25:40] iTunes, Google play Spotify. There is a place. If you go to my podcasts, there’s always a button for ratings and review. Just click that button. Give me some stars. I’m so grateful and leaves the podcast, some reviews, some feedback, and it really does help when people are searching podcasts. That’s how the more ratings and the more reviews than.
[00:26:05] Those podcasts appear higher on the search results. And it really does mean more people can listen. And the more people who listen, the sky’s the limit with what can happen. And if you’d like a little help. Calling in your ideal people, your ideal clients, then I invite you to download my free guide and worksheet.
[00:26:29] The five visibility blocks that are keeping your offerings invisible and preventing your ideal clients from finding you. Your offerings are way too important to remain invisible. So this guide will help you be seen and get fully booked. You’ll find a link on my website, AllysonScammell.com to download your copy.
[00:26:53] And that link will also be in the show notes.